


Guess I Was A Fool

by Mrs King of Hell (Slytherkins), PrincessMisery86



Series: The Secrets We Keep [2]
Category: SPN, Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Drama, F/M, Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-21
Updated: 2019-10-21
Packaged: 2020-12-31 07:48:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,065
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21120185
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Slytherkins/pseuds/Mrs%20King%20of%20Hell, https://archiveofourown.org/users/PrincessMisery86/pseuds/PrincessMisery86
Summary: Trapped in a cell, Erin has nowhere to run when Sam confronts her. Will she give him the answers he seeks?Co-wrote with @slytherkins . When I say co-wrote I mean I planted the seed and she watered it until it flourished in to this beautiful array of angst. So basically she wrote the amazing parts and I wrote the average bits.Warnings: angst, sad Sam, angry-ish Sam.Song & Artist: Guess I Was A Fool - Another Level - Link to YouTube.Word Count: 4.5k (inc. lyrics)Notes: Part 2 in Sam & Erin series.A/N: I mixed up my timelines - part 1 stated Ruby 2.0 kidnapped Erin, for continuity purposes she was kidnapped by a random demon. Also stated Sam & Erin had been together 10 years, changing it to 5.Characters: Sam Winchester, Dean Winchester, Jody Mills, OFC.Pairing: Sam Winchester x OFC (Erin).





	Guess I Was A Fool

**Author's Note:**

> Hey and welcome! So to make long story short, I have progressive hearing loss in my left ear (I have lost 80% of my hearing so far.) Docs say my right ear will also start to deteriorate, there’s no explanation for it and it’s irreversible. I’m not looking for sympathy, it is what it is. But it does mean I have been listening to a shit ton of music lately, every chance I get, which is sparking inspiration for fics. So I’ve set myself a challenge (thanks for the idea @negans-lucille-tblr and @firefly-in-darkness) to write a fic based on a song for every letter of the alphabet.  
Notes:  
I have a few ideas already but don’t have any set completion date, I will write and post as they come to me.  
Fics will more than likely be for Supernatural or Jensen/Jared but will make sure to label accordingly.  
There’s no specific music genre - I listen to everything, rock, pop, hip hop, r’n’b, rap, dance, metal, house, garage, I will listen to anything if I like it.  
Welcome to send me some ideas.  
It may be a whole song that I take inspiration from or just a certain line or lines. Lyrics will be in each post.  
Posting to Tumblr too - @PrincessMisery666

##  **Guess I Was A Fool. **

When Jody entered the cell block, the local drunk was sawing logs in the first cell. She had done Erin a favour and put her in the last cell, leaving an empty one between her and their not so sweet smelling, inebriated resident. 

Erin sat on the narrow, metal framed bed, her back resting against the cold concrete wall, staring straight ahead, looking at nothing but seeing everything. 

“You hungry?” Jody asked. Her tone had been tentative, but she purposely stood in Erin’s line of sight, demanding attention. Erin declined to respond, so Jody tried again.

“Thirsty?” 

Still no answer.

Jody puffed out a sigh and crossed her arms. The look she bestowed on Erin wasn’t harsh, but it wasn’t particularly charitable. “So…Abusive relationship, huh? Frantically fleeing your violent boyfriend Sam, so you had to steal his car,” Jody said with a roll of her eyes. “Y’know, that spiel might have worked if anyone else had been called to haul you in.”

Erin had no comeback. Her eyes drifted sheepishly to Jody’s, but all she said was, “Please, let me leave,” her voice barely above a whisper. 

If Jody hadn’t seen her lips move, the deep snores of the drunken man would have drowned out her request. Jody shook her head. “Erin, sweetie, what are you so afraid of?”

Erin looked away but did not otherwise respond.

“Can you at least tell me where you’ve been?” 

Silence. 

“Why did you run?”

“Jody, please, I’m begging you.” Tears gathered in Erin’s eyes. She drew in a shaky breath, playing nervously with her fingers that sat in her lap. “Sam is better off not knowing. He’s better off believing I ran away. Please,” her chest heaved, and her voice cracked, “please don’t make me break his heart.”

“He’s already heartbroken,” Jody pointed out, a subtle hardness in her voice. Her scowl was short-lived, though. “We just want to understand,” Jody explained, working hard to keep her voice level. 

Jody had seen the toll Erin’s disappearance had had on Sam. He’d stopped eating. He barely slept. He refused to stop searching. Cas had had to physically knock him out, against his will, to get him to rest. Dean had managed to convince him, finally, that he needed to rest and take care of himself for when they found Erin, that she’d need Sam at his best to help her with whatever was going on. Dean had suffered, too, both from the toll it had taken on his brother and from the loss of someone he considered a sister. Erin had been his family just as much as Sam’s. 

Erin didn’t appear to have fared much better, though. She was barely recognizable. Her golden curls had been ironed flat and dyed the color of coffee, but her hair wasn’t the most striking difference. Erin was rail thin. She’d always been slim, and the weight she’d lost since Jody last saw her left her looking frail and sunken. 

“Let me help, Erin,” Jody pleaded. “I can tell you’re scared, and I’ll do whatever I can, but you have let me know what we’re up against. I thought we were close,” said Jody with a tiny huff of exasperation when Erin continued to ignore her. “I thought we were like sisters. My girls love you. They’ve missed you. We all have. But Sam asked you to marry him and you bail? And when you did, you bailed on all of us.” Jody couldn’t hide her hurt. “This isn’t like you, E. You know there’s nothing you can’t tell me. Whatever it is, we can_ fix _this. Together. Because that’s what family does.” 

It was the mention of family that seemed to break through to her. “I’m sorry. Really, I am.” The tears broke free, and Erin made no attempt to wipe them away. “Please just let me go. I promise you, you’re not helping Sam by keeping me here,” Erin told her sincerely. 

“Even if I could do that, what would I tell Sam?” 

Erin got to her feet, pacing the small space between the bars and the bed, her head tipped back in an attempt to hold her tears at bay. “Tell him I’m sorry.” 

“Sorry for _what_?” asked Jody stepping closer to the bars. She felt for Erin, her friend, but she was tired of the crypticism. “Tell me what you’re sorry for, why you ran. We can go back to my place, crack open a bottle of wine-” 

Erin rushed the bars, desperation twisting her features, and Jody instinctively jumped back out of reach, though Erin only gripped her cage. “_Listen to what I’m saying,_” she begged, “you have to let me outta here.” 

“_What are you running from, Erin_?” Jody all but shouted, almost out of patience. ”Are you in danger?” 

Erin lifted her head slowly and locked eyes with Jody. “Not yet. At least, not until Dean gets his hands on me.” 

Jody scoffed and looked at her askance, but she could tell by the look in her eye that Erin believed what she was saying, and it unsettled Jody. “What are you talking about? Why would you be in danger from Dean?” 

“When they find out…if they make me tell them why I ran…” Erin shrugged like she’d accepted her fate. “Sam doesn’t have it in him, but Dean will let his anger win, and he’ll kill me.” 

Jody searched Erin’s face, warring internally. She didn’t believe for a moment that Dean would actually harm Erin. But whatever she was hiding, it clearly affected Sam and Dean, and Jody didn’t like the suspicion that Erin had done something that could cause them harm. She was not in the habit of being forgiving when it came to her boys. But Jody was almost as fond of Erin, and she was desperate for her to tell her something that would allow her to forgive this mystery transgression. Regardless, if it was as bad as Erin seemed to believe it was, they needed to get to the bottom of it, for the boys’ sake. She just hoped the damage hadn’t already been done. 

“Erin, _please_.”

Jody watched as she climbed onto the bed without another word, pulling her knees to her chest and curling into a ball. 

_Sam sat on the end of his bed, his stomach doing somersaults, nerves kicking into high gear. A knock on his door made his breath catch in his throat. “Yeah,” Sam stammered, getting to his feet and wiping his sweaty palms on his pants. He cleared his throat and called out more clearly, “Yeah?” _

_“Close your eyes,” Erin called out in response. _

_“What? You can’t come in here, it’s bad luck!” _

_“That’s why I want you to close your eyes,” she chuckled behind the door. “It’s bad luck for the groom to see the bride, not the bride to see the groom.” _

_Sam laughed at her logic as he crossed the room. Closing his eyes, he pulled open the door. “Keep them closed,” Erin insisted. He felt the pressure of her small hands on his forearms and smiled as she used it as leverage to rise to her tiptoes to kiss his lips softly. _

_“I just wanted one last kiss as your girlfriend,” she told him in a whisper against his mouth._

_His nerves dissipated immediately, “I can’t wait to kiss you for the first time as my wife.” _

Sam jolted awake in the back of the Impala, sitting up quickly and narrowly missing hitting his head on the roof. 

“Hey,” Dean greeted from behind the wheel.

Sam rubbed the sleep from his eyes, “How far away are we?” 

“Ten minutes, maybe.”

<

Every time the door leading to the main office opened, Erin heard the hustle and bustle of the station, her heart stopped beating, and she held her breath. She swore they were doing it on purpose to see if they could give her a heart attack. Erin knew sooner rather than later, that door would open and Sam would walk through it. 

Erin conjured up Sam’s face in her memory, trying to inure herself to it so that she wouldn’t fall apart completely when she saw it next. She could do this, she told herself. She could jump this one last hurdle between her and a clean break. All she had to do was stay strong, give them nothing. Despite the pep talk, Erin could not quiet her dread. 

The door opening for what felt like the hundredth time bought her attention from the faded brick she had been staring at for a while. She caught a glimpse of Sam and Dean in their Fed get up over Jody’s shoulder before the door swung shut. The sound ricocheted around Erin’s brain, it heralded the beginning of the end.

She had fooled herself into believing she was prepared to see The Winchesters. At least she was safely locked behind bars, not out in the open, not in an environment where Sam could touch her. The thought of Sam’s strong arms wrapped around her made her stomach flutter, and her heart ached for it. 

“I don’t want to see them,” Erin told her before Jody had made it halfway into the room. 

“And I’m not going to force you to,” Jody assured her coming to a stop in front of her cell. “But I wanted you to be sure,” she said. “If not now, when? Whatever you’re running from, Erin, it’s bound to catch up with you some time.” 

“I’m sure,” Erin confirmed, locking eyes with her to show her resolute decision. “Please make them leave.” 

Jody led them into an empty interrogation room and waited until Dean closed the door before sighing wearily, “I’m sorry, boys, but she doesn’t want to see you.” 

Sam couldn’t say he was surprised. She’d been running from him for months, he hadn’t deluded himself into thinking that she’d be receptive now. That didn’t make the blow any less painful. Sam needed to see her, though. Somehow. He didn’t like the idea of forcing himself on her, but there were things he required, things he couldn’t move on without. Sam _needed_ to look into Erin’s eyes and hear her tell him, in her own voice, that she didn’t love him. It seemed obvious, but he still had to hear it. Her reason for leaving didn’t matter so much. That she no longer, or had never completely, loved him was what he needed to hear. Only then would things make sense. Only then could he let her go. 

“We drove all this way,” Dean complained, “and you’re telling us no?”

“Look, I’m sorry. But she’s afraid that if she tells you whatever it is that she’s done, you’ll hurt her.” 

“_What?_” Dean spluttered, making no attempt to disguise his offense. “Well, now we _know_ she’s lost her damned mind,” he muttered, giving the sheriff an incredulous look. Jody’s expression didn’t give an inch, and Dean scowled. “Jody, c’mon, you couldn’t seriously believe-”

Jody held a hand up to halt his protest, “I didn’t say I thought it. But she believes it, and that’s enough for me. I’m sorry.” 

“Did you do all the checks?” Sam asked, interrupting Dean’s indignant fuming. He knew Jody was thorough, she’d have done all the necessary tests, but a part of him still held out hope that this would have a simple explanation. One that didn’t hurt so damned much. 

Jody nodded, giving Sam a small, sad smile. “Silver, holy water, the full nine. Her tattoo is still intact, too.” 

Sam nodded his understanding but couldn’t summon a response. It had been a doomed hope, and his last, but it had been a hope nonetheless. It was really Erin in that cell. Really Erin who didn’t want to see him, and not some shapeshifter that had taken on her appearance, or a demon taking her body for a joyride. He ran his hands through his hair, letting out a defeated breath, “I need some air. I’ll be out front for a minute.”

As Sam turned to go, he caught Dean’s eye and inclined his head almost imperceptibly in Jody’s direction. Dean locked eyes with him and nodded ever so slightly, and as Sam slipped through the door into the hallway, he heard Dean ask Jody, “So, how are you doing, huh? How are your girls?”

Dean couldn’t buy him much time, he knew, but he hoped it was enough. 

Erin cursed under her breath when she heard Sam’s careful footfall echo off the concrete walls of the cell block, familiar enough for her to recognize despite his shuffling hesitancy. She felt she had known Jody would fail to drive him off even as the sheriff had promised it. The man was nothing if not tenacious. It was one of the things Erin loved about him. 

Sam’s steps sighed to a stop in front of her cell. Erin kept her eyes to the floor, but even the glimpse of his boots from the corner of her eye inspired an ache of longing. She wanted to look at him again, just one last time. But she mustn’t. If she gazed full into those soft, imploring hazel eyes, her defenses would crumble. Instead, Erin hugged her legs closer to her chest and buried her face in her knees. 

She could practically feel Sam’s pain radiating from him like a physical force, but he didn’t say anything for a long while. He started to, more than once, but the words seemed to catch in his chest. When he finally summoned the breath and the nerve to speak, he said only her name. 

“Erin.” 

She wasn’t sure how a single word could hold so much hurt, so much entreaty, especially one so faintly uttered. She felt her own pain answer his, but she refrained from answering him, and he heaved a shuddered sigh. 

“Listen…” Sam cleared his throat, sniffed back his tears, and in her mind’s eye, she saw him run a restless hand through his long hair, combing it away from his face. “Jody told us you didn’t want to see us,” he began, his words stuttering and his tone apologetic, “and if you don’t want to talk, that’s okay. But…I’ve spent the last four months,” he told her, his voice breaking as if reliving every moment of them just then, “thinking about what I’d say to you if I ever saw you again. And I hate that it’s happening this way,” he confessed through gritted teeth, “but I’m going to go ahead and say it anyway, and you can listen or not.”

Sam paused as if hoping she’d respond, giving her every opportunity, but Erin only focused on her breathing, attempting to keep it even, attempting to will her heart to stop trying to beat its way out of her aching chest. 

“I’m so glad you’re safe.” They were the easiest words he’d spoken so far, propelled by his relief at finding her whole. “You can’t imagine all of the awful scenarios I pictured, all the terrible ways I was afraid I’d finally find you. And…”

These words were not so effortless. Each one seemed to cost him more than the last. 

“I wanted to say that I can see that you don’t…love me.” Those last two almost broke them both, but Erin held her tongue and her tears in check, and Sam rallied after a replenishing breath. “Not the way I thought you did. Not the way I love you. Y’know, I’ve had a lot of time to think about things. About _us_. I still don’t understand why you ran the way you did,” he told her, seeming to struggle with it still, “but I do understand that you don’t want to be with me, and honestly?” He gave a short, mirthless laugh. “I don’t blame you.”

Erin’s heart stopped threatening it and finally shattered in her chest. Sam had always done this. He had always blamed himself. For everything. Even and especially things beyond his control. It had taken her years to break through his shell and make him _really_ believe that he was loved. That he was deserving of love. And all of that had been undone the instant she had stepped out of the bunker four months ago. 

But what was done was done. She could not go back now and make better choices, couldn’t tell her past self to tamp down her panic long enough to think things through. The only option left to her was to stay the course. 

“I know that my life–a hunter’s life–is no one’s Happily Ever After,” Sam went on, unaware of how very wrong he was. “And I wish I could say I could change, that I could quit, but we both know I’d be lying. Erin, I would never want to make you unhappy, so if you say you never want to see me again, I can accept that. It hurts like hell, but I’ll respect your choice. I just…I just want to know _why_.” 

It had been near desperate, imploring, and it crushed the shards of her shattered heart to dust. 

“I’m tired of wondering,” said Sam, and Erin could hear the pain in his voice shift, betraying a hint of the anger she knew he carried. Anger he had every right to but was so reluctant to claim. “I’m tired of guessing. I want to _know_, and I think I deserve that from you, if nothing else. I deserve a little peace of mind.” 

He did. God. _He did._ But Erin couldn’t give that to him. Even if she explained, he wouldn’t be put at ease. He’d be hurt so much further, and she’d done such damage already. 

“I spent half a decade giving you everything I had to give,” he went on, his tone accusatory. “I wanted to give you the rest of my life. Everything I have–everything I am–is, and has always been, yours for the taking. And you _did _take, Erin,” he said, leaning into his offense, letting it overtake his pain. “For as long as I’ve known you, you accepted my love, and you…fooled me,” the betrayal in his voice was wounding, “into believing you felt the same way. So yeah,” he concluded, his pain made manageable by a competing sense of affront, “I think I’m owed an explanation. I can’t make you give it to me, but I think I’m more than justified in asking.” 

He blasted out the last of his longing with a sigh. He’d said what he’d set out to say, and he waited for her response. When she lifted her eyes timidly to his, she saw no more entreaty. His expression was demanding, tinged with hurt at its edges but stubborn and expectant. 

Erin couldn’t muster the act she’d prepared. She couldn’t drive him away with scowls and stinging words. He deserved the truth. He deserved the world, and she’d have been more than happy to deliver it, though she knew she didn’t have the right. He didn’t know it yet, but everything she’d ever given him had been tainted. Their foundations had been built on the shifting sands of lies, destined to crumble. Somewhere along the way, she’d convinced herself it didn’t matter. They’d been so happy for so long, she’d thought they could continue that way forever. But then Sam’s proposal had forced the matter back into perspective. She had looked back on their life together and seen the ugly stain of her betrayal bleed through the picturesque scene like mildew through whitewash and she’d felt corrosive. Had felt she had to get away from Sam–and Dean, and anyone else who had ever been foolish enough to trust her–else she infect them with her blight. 

That’s why she’d run. She was poison. And there was no antidote. 

Sam searched the eyes she lifted to his, and she saw a glimmer of hope there wither under her persistent silence. He nodded, though he looked as if he were about to be ill. 

“I’ve, uh…I’ve dropped the charges,” he told her. “Jody should release you by morning.” He turned to go, speaking to her over his shoulder. “I’m sorry I couldn’t make you happy, Erin. I really hope someone else can.” 

And with that, he started to walk away, and Erin couldn’t bear it. She couldn’t bear letting him go, letting him think he hadn’t been enough. She realized he would never really heal unless he knew the truth. She would have to wound him further in order to make him whole. 

“Sam, wait…”

Sam froze mid-stride and turned back to her with an expression equal parts grateful and terrified. Erin untucked her legs and padded over to the bars, but she shied when he reached out to touch her. 

“Sam, baby, it wasn’t you. I’m so sorry,” she told him, tears springing to her eyes to punctuate her sincerity. “You think you love me, but you don’t know what I am, what I’ve done. If you did, you’d curse the day you met me.”

“And Dean would kill you? Yeah, Jody mentioned you’d said something like that. But I don’t buy it. Erin, I know you,” Sam stressed, stepping closer to the bars but respecting her unwillingness to be touched. “We all have things in our pasts that seem unforgivable. Hell, you _know_ what I’ve done. Whatever it is you’re hiding, so long as it’s anything shy of triggering the apocalypse, _I’ve done worse_. And even then, _I’d understand_. Because I’ve been there.”

“Not here you haven’t,” she said, turning her back on him. 

Sam finally surrendered to his frustration. She’d teased him with the beginning of a conversation and then snatched that hope back with a shake of her head, and Sam had had enough. Erin heard the ringing clank of her cell door being jostled as he seized its bars in his fists. 

“Dammit, Erin. _We don’t do this_. You’ve never held back anything. Hell, there were times I almost wished you would. You _never_ hesitate to speak you mind. What the hell could you be hiding that I couldn’t forgive? Don’t you trust me? Don’t you trust that I love you? How could I have possibly done more to prove it to you?”

Erin rubbed her arms and hung her head. He was pulling the blame to himself again. She was the one ruining their lives, and he thought it was because he hadn’t done enough to prove his devotion. She couldn’t let it stand. 

Erin turned to Sam, knowing what she was about to say would ruin him. But one look at his face and she knew…it would eat him alive if he didn’t know, if he wasn’t given the opportunity to understand. 

“Sam, I didn’t run because I don’t love you, it was the opposite. I left _because_ I love you but I wasn’t supposed to. The truth is-”

“Going to go get some air, huh?” Jody’s voice shattered the moment and caused both of them to jump. The sheriff marched reproachfully toward Sam, giving Erin an apologetic look when she got close, and Erin could see Sam struggling not to lose his temper at the interruption. “I’m sorry, Erin. I told him you didn’t want to see him, but they pulled the ol’ one two on me. C’mon, Sam. You can’t be here.”

“No, it’s alright,” Erin told her.

Jody lifted an eyebrow but shrugged and released Sam’s arm, and Sam rushed back to Erin. “What? What were you about to say?”

“Well, look who’s talkin’. If it isn’t our little car thief.” Dean’s voice carried down the passage, and Sam cursed under his breath. Dean sauntered up and shared a look with Jody and then the both of them turned that look on Erin. 

“Could everyone just…give us a minute?” Sam huffed, shooting their audience a pointed look. “We were kind of in the middle of something.” 

Jody threw her hands up and started to back away, but Erin halted her. This was not the place for this revelation. This was not the time. Sam deserved better. Erin tossed an uneasy glance at Dean but only hesitated a moment before deciding to sack up. 

“Sam…maybe we should talk about this at home.”


End file.
